hotel room ftw
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
