my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
