I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
