Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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