sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
