You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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