I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
