So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
