Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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