took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
