are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
