my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
