1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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