i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
