Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
