Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
