hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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