I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
