If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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