in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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