And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
