Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
