you turned your livingroom into a bong?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
