I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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