Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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