If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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