saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
