You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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