Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
