Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
