If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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