woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
