I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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