Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I am available for nakedness
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
