I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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