Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
