Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
