i can't believe i had my finger in that
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
