My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
