Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
