i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
it's like iHOP with fire
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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