Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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