i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
