I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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