Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
