I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
