Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
