My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
