he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
