I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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