Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
