Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
