have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
