I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
