My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
