p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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