I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
