My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
