went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
