I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
