How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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