You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
