You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
